spirit from iaido

Where do I find my spirit? How do I grasp it and use it to my advantage? How do I get all the other crap in my head out and let my spirit take over? What really drives me? I've been thinking lately. I certainly had a calm mind last month. This month it's all over the place. I can't even list all of things I'm trying to do at once, or at least so it seems. Cause when it all comes down to it, I'm still just trying to figure it out. You know, understand the why, the what, the when. I've read about people finding their spirit from meditation ("Eat, Pray, Love"). Heard it through songs, some of those songs do invoke my spirit. Maybe even watched a few movies that moved my spirit. But I haven't done it myself. Not yet. It's coming though. Tonight I focused my eyes on a point, and it now blurs up that I don't even see anymore. I just move. I try to keep everything level, but what I see in the mirror is really like seeing out of the corner of my eye. Its not clear, only cause I'm focused so hard on that spot. It worked well at times. My problems still left to solve -- breathing needs to continue and I need to slow down. Not weaken, but slow it down. Make it strong. Make it powerful. And make it mean something when I do move. Tonight I actually got a bit pumped up by the end of class. I know when Hanshi Rico is not there I feel less nervous. Sometimes that helps me, sometimes it makes me a little lazy at points. Still I want to find my spirit. And find out what I am really capable of.